Dear Cross Gene, What Are You Even Doing With Your Life?

Oh Cross Gene, where do I even start? You know, so many K-pop groups stick to current trends like how ants stick in honey. They think they’re going for the sweet spot of popularity, but it just ends up dragging them down and making them look like copycats.

It all begins to seem like one big parody; a parody of sexy dances, a parody of dub step, a parody of hip-hop. But not you, Cross Gene – no, you are your own special snowflake.

No falling into anonymity without leaving a mark on the K-pop world for you. No repertoire of MVs that look just like everyone elses. No tired choreography like the hackneyed scorpion dance. You go above and beyond the grain to be different in every aspect of your career. Music, dance, lyrics, styling, concepts – everything you do is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in K-pop.

And while I’ve always believed in being unique over following the herd, I think it might be time for you to reconsider… everything. Bless your hearts, but what are you even doing with your life? Zombies, glowing swords, crotch polishing? An intervention is needed before you fall even farther down the rabbit hole into koo-koo-ville.

The first time I watched your “La di da di” MV I was so baffled that I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry (or both). It starts out innocent enough, but by the end I was so confused by the English and the choreography that I felt like I’d been transported to another dimension. Can we just…. discuss these dance moves?

What is that? What are you doing and why are you doing it? There is no context, no reason, no nothing! Zombies, starfish, and making it rain, that’s what we’ve got – and a sexy K-pop group do not those things make.

I admit it, “La Di Da Di” grew on me, but I knew in my heart that you were capable of better things (read: less ridiculous things). So, I was excited when I heard about “Shooting Star” because I thought it might be a chance for you to redeem yourself for the silliness of the past. Boy, was I ever wrong! Really, Cross Gene, really? Glowing swords? How old are you, ten?

And I’m pretending those purple outfits don’t exist, you should thank me for that.

More than anything, “Shooting Star” as a song was boring. And how silly do I feel saying I’d prefer the insanity of “La Di Da Di” if it was the other choice. No, Cross Gene, you did not go the direction I expected with this MV. At this point I was starting to wonder if normalcy and trend following were simply beyond you. But hey, why not give you another chance, right?

And then “Amazing Bad Lady” happened.

How do you f*** up a sexy concept? HOW??? Cross Gene, I just can’t comprehend how you manage to make everything you touch turn into lunacy. Its like you created an unholy union of girl group sexy dances and boy group sexy dances; this is your Frankenstein. If I could face-palm any harder, I would.

I mean come on, that is at least 16 counts of consecutive crotch rubbing! And the dance practice video is even better. It’s not even sexy it’s so ridiculous. Good for you, Cross Gene, you’ve made “sexy” unsexy – quite the achievement.

At this point I thought, “well, it can’t get any worse.”

Oh, how wrong I was.

Not only is “Billion Dolla” entirely in English (which we already know isn’t your strong point: see “and the look on the face”), but it has dancing zombies. DANCING ZOMBIES! Yes, I know Michael Jackson did it but that isn’t an argument that changes how I feel about this MV.

I see where you were trying to go with this one, as I’ve seen where you were trying to go with all of your MVs, but it just… never works. I don’t know how else to explain it. Everything you do seems like it started with a good idea and them somewhere along the line it morphed into something from the Twilight Zone.

Maybe the choreographers and stylists and directors are to blame, but that doesn’t chance the fact that it is you, Cross Gene, that are the face of this insanity. Seriously, please, reconsider your entire life right now before you do us the disservice of releasing yet another ludicrous MV. I might not survive another one.

(Amuse Korea, Universal Music Group)