So back whenever the House of Woollim Entertainment first announced that they were going to be bought by the House of SM Entertainment, many an Inspirit – the fanclub name for Woollim’s charges, INFINITE – were in an uproar, and rightly so. Because even the SM-only fans know how terribly demanding – borderline Nazi-ish – the company is to its artists and, my God, the fear of what they might do to their precious group Infinite, sent many into a spiraling frenzy of anxiety and woe. Both the members of Infinite and Woollim had to issue several statements talking about how Inspirit’s fears and tears were not grounded and that they just couldn’t possibly see why we – I mean they, because I’m not biased – were totally upset (it certainly must have nothing to do with how they were crying when they delivered that news).
But with the recent announcement – and/or rumor – that Key from SHINee is teaming up with Woohyun from Infinite to form a sub-unit – perhaps this actually might not be one of K-Pop’s greatest fuck-ups.
But honestly, WoohKey wasn’t even my seventh choice for a cross-company team up – but add in another badass balladeer such as Ryeowook from Super Junior and you got me. Especially if they could call themselves WoohKey Wookie? You just don’t even know how overjoyed that would make me with being alive on planet Earth.
Since that decision sucks balls, I decided to drag out the Probability Machine, a device I used – secretly – for an earlier article I wrote. It’s designed to imagine several probable timelines due to a stellar combination of science and magic, so shut up because it’s real and I’m not crazy. However, it may not be the most…accurate…piece of equipment I have but for the sake of a calming minds, let’s pretend it’s working just fine and use it to divine the totally and completely amazing possibilities that await our K-Heroes in the future. Let’s begin!
*whirring and sci-fi noises as machine starts*
1.) THE DANCE BATTLES WOULD BE EPIC
SM The Performance + Infinite H + H is for Hyoyeon. Done. You’re Welcome. For those not in the know, SM The Performance is SM’s collab of dancers from various groups, who dance like that’s all they can do…kind of because it is. Meanwhile Infinite-H is that respective group’s only sub-unit. A duo composed of their rapper/dancers Hoya and Dongwoo. And Hyoyeon (no she isn’t in SM The Performance, only featured…because she isn’t allowed to have nice things) is from Girls’ Generation. Seriously, if done right, these peeps in a dance battle would break the Richter scale. And don’t even mention if TVXQ got involved. Just. Don’t. And then think of all the song crossovers! I’d love to see Infinite perform “It’s You” or EXO do their take on “The Chaser.”
2.) THEY COULD FIX SHITTY GROUP DYNAMICS
Okay so Woollim also has this duo called TASTY right? They’re pretty fucking boring, God bless their hearts, sweet dudes, they try hard, but oh good God are they boring. But they’d be less boring if they took their terrible twosome dynamic and merged with another SM group altogether. A group such as f(x). They’re the oddball of SM and of girl groups in general – not counting Crayon Pop – so why not play up on that eccentricity factor by adding on TASTY? And to keep that chemistry cooking, you could just jettison the dead-weights that are Sulli and Krystal and boom. Dynamic fixed. Two birds with one stone. (Additionally you could add Henry Lau to this equation and still get a fabulous result)
3.) HOT PEOPLE COULD JUST STARE AT US AND THAT WOULD BE OKAY
But if you thought I was being too mean to Krystal and Sulli then you’re right, sorry #notsorry. But there’s a plan for them too. Imagine a group of nothing but visuals. No not After School, silly, the visuals of Woollim and SM combined to make one sub-unit of their own! Now, they wouldn’t sing, oh God no, instead they could just stare at you, me, each other, the fucking sky even, because it really doesn’t matter so long as they make those faces we love. Picture L as he licks his lips – ratings gold – Kai as he shifts his hips – ratings platinum – and if both of them made eye contact? Combustion. Oh, also, Sulli and Krystal could also be there. Regardless, I call this project #Team_Smolder and am proud of it, but if that idea just sounds weird to you, then watch out for the next one because-
4.) THERE’D BE WEIRD COMBOS WE’D BE SURPRISED WE LOVED
Stop panicking, and don’t you dare scroll down. I’m not stupid. Take a breath and consider how awesome it’d be to see the most uncanny of choices that are equally as refreshing? Case in point: Hoya and f(x)’s Amber. Mhm. Hoya and Amber…sittin’ a tree. R-a-p-p-i-n-g. First comes EP’s then comes albums, then comes something that rhymes with albums. Also on this idea roster would be an interesting mix of Girls’ Gen’s TTS mashed up with a sub-unit comprised of Infinite’s Woohyun, Sungyeol, and Sungjong. The latter two have never really had a chance to shine, but ever since their Troublemaker parody, the reveal of Sungyeol’s surprisingly good rapping skills, and Sungjong’s attempt at puberty, this group might actually be pretty kickass. I imagine them functioning like Super Junior-Happy but less gag songs and more just the lighter side of Infinite’s repertoire (See: “Man in Love,” “Nothing’s Over”). Also, when I say TTS, I don’t mean Seohyun. She bores me. Instead, add Sunny and voila! It’d be like sausage and pancakes you guys!
5.) VERY VARIETY. SUCH SHIPPING
Variety shows are a whole ‘nother world. A brand new place we never knew. The majority of SM’s artists do fabulously on these shows and so does Infinite. That whole boy group does a phenomenal job of being entertainers on and off the stage, and their personalities are so distinct and infectious that rubbing shoulders with the Plastics of SM could be fanfiction marketing gold! It’s like an OTP-port that could launch thousands of ships. What’s that you say? Tiffany and Hoya finally get to sit next to each other? What’s that? Key and Sungjong having a Diva-off? Oh? Heechul and Sunggyu actually were seen together in public – no lie they really were hanging out in public…together…in real life. So all that to say, that maybe this delusion dream isn’t too far off from actually happening.
6.) THEIR VOCAL LINE WOULD BRING ALL OF ASIA TO ITS KNEES
For this section I’m just gonna run some names by you. Ahem. Sunggyu, Woohyun, Kyuhyun, Ryeowook, Yesung, D.O., Chen, Luna, and Taeyeon. Are you still alive? Because the rest of the world isn’t.
7.) OH YEAH! BETTER PRODUCTION VALUES!
Since the merge, the quality of Infinite’s material has skyrocketed. Pretty sure SM was financing their foray to the U.S. for their Destiny movie shoot and you know what? I’m not upset about that. While I still feel like the boys have their backs turned to a fiendish jaguar, I must admit that without SM, Woollim could never have been able to pull off Infinite’s One Great Step Tour. Meanwhile just because Woollim is small doesn’t mean they aren’t packing either. It’s not the size of the company it’s how you use it and the House of Woo is very creative which could do wonders for SM’s artists as well. Infinite’s videos have always been incredibly well done, and while not groundbreaking in the narrative department, are way fucking better than the tired old SM music box videos.
*whirring slows, machine starts smoking and catches fire*
Welp. Looks like the Probability Machine is done for the day, but before I leave you fine readers, let’s be honest: none of this shit will happen. Both the Shawols and the Inspirits have apparently vocalized their issues and…no one is happy. I breathed a sigh of relief reading the comments on Netizenbuzz because it was like I didn’t have to pretend anymore that all of this is incredibly shady business. However, my instinctive cynicism gives way to my incontrovertible, and contradictory, sense of optimism, because if I didn’t…I’d cry. And that’s what this list is for. It’s to keep us all from weeping our hearts out as we watch on with bated breath at what could be an incredibly terrifying – or awesome – year for some the K-ingdom’s most respected idol groups.
So join me in the comments sections and tell me all about what you think this merger could mean, if it’s good or bad, and if there are any collabs you could imagine occurring in the future. Medieval.
Correction: The above version of this article posits that SM helped release the “Destiny” MV and OGS tour. Actually, Woollim released “Destiny” on its own and OGS was a collaboration with Samsung, CJ E&M, Live Nation, and Powerhouse for North American Sales. SM had nothing to do with either Destiny or the OGS tour.
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